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Wednesday, January 7, 2004

I used to post here often.

I just come around now to visit a forsaken part of my life -- a vast and empty wound that was never fully healed. And then I realize -- blogs are dying.

I can remember a time when everyone read blogs. When the world moved in a cyclical orbit around EVERYONE who had an online journal. I remember passing around names of especially funny ones, or extremely morbid ones..but the blogs of today are just a shadow of what they once were.

Oh, the ides of March have fallen into dusk, and the seeds are unplanted.

Who am I kidding - I miss posting. I got to express a part of myself that noone really wanted to see expressed. I got to make stupid puns -- and you know what? I didn't care if people didn't laugh because I enjoyed it.

I suppose all good things must die. Unless its on the internet - cause then its entered into your FBI file and used for evidence against you if you ever act remotely on any of the goofy ideas you put into your blog because you thought they were funny but then in a caffiene-drowned high you realize maybe wrapping the local courthouse in crime tape is a beautiful image of irony and then are arrested for it. Not speaking from personal experience --

So, this is Josh, signing off for now. I'll let this stand as a memory of what once was -- the blogs of our forbears, the blogs from happier times, those blogs that stood for something but didn't have the foggiest clue what it was.

*salutes*

- Josh Marshall, 01:59 p.m.

"Friggin endorphins piss me off."

- Philip Young

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Friday, May 16, 2003

I have been chided.

Or is it choded? I have been chode upon. Maybe its not even the right word. Hehe. See? All it takes is one tag and I'll post more! I just like knowing I'm being read. :) I think everyone does, right?

Who has seen Matrix Reloaded? Isn't it just fascinating?! I loved it. I have only three or four complaints.

A.) Keanu Reeves has as much acting talent as Mr. Ed sans Peanut Butter. (They did use Peanut Butter, right?)

B.) The Bullet Time wasn't bullet time half the time...time... You know? It was computer generated characters for a large part of it. That's CHEATING. I expected SO much more from the Wachowski brothers. I mean, SHREK did bullet-time with a COMPUTER. I could do bullet time like that. Its just more interesting when its real people and LOTS of cameras, as opposed to a 3d jockey and his mouse.

3.) (Or C for those keeping track..) The fight scenes were SLIGHTLY too long for me. I know, I know, matter of taste. But I would have liked a little more story and a little less of the 'throne room' fight scene. It was always amazing, but too much amazing loses a little of the flourish.

*SPOILER - skip past if you don't wanna know!*

Finally, D.) They killed of Zion WAY TOO FAST at the end. It's like, a guy comes in and says, "Yo, like, Zion's gone. Oh, well. You win some you lose some." I mean, isn't that KINDA why they were fighting, at least partially?

*END OF SPOILER - stop skipping!! Come back!*

All in all, it was a breathtaking movie worthy of several thumbs and big toes. I salute the Brothers Wachowski and await the conclusion with much anguish and with much hopping up and down as if I need to urinate. Now, if THAT isn't a sentence they should put in their office...I can't say I disagree.

Well, short post, but there will be more. Many more. So, please Tag my Board! It's feeling very unused. It's one of the only things in life that ENJOYS being used by people over and over again. Okay, so does the proverbial 'Brother In Law', but that's a different story.

Be good, eat healthy, and run your head solidly into the next concrete wall you see.

- Josh Marshall, 06:14 p.m.

"Yeah, go hug a rainbow."

- Laslow in GTA3

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Wednesday, April 30, 2003

THE PEASANT'S EDGE

"Hark! How has the day befallen you?"
"Most miserably, my King.
I fear this day the most this way.
I fear it for many a thing:

"What couldst I dream upon a morn
When rain has cursed the ground?
I tripped and fell, as you can tell,
And there in mud was found.

"But ah! The gods had yet to play!
So cleverly they spin
My tale for me, it's true, you'll see,
They rend me from within.

"I wrenched my ankle, I tore my spleen,
When hit by a rampant cart.
The heavens send a great foul wind
To rend my house apart.

"So there I sat, rebuilding my hut,
When a dog came rambling by.
I must appear a stump I fear,
For all that he let fly.

"And then I hit the dog, its true,
In such a rage was I.
Then I knew, its sad and true,
How teeth feel in my thigh.

"I bled - I cursed - I screamed - I spat,
And noon is not quite near,
I cannot afford.....what is't my Lord?
What dread thing do you hear?"

"The Queen! Dear man, please hide your King!
I cannot bear her bearing!
I'd rather be a burning tree
Than within her range of hearing!"

"I thank you King! You've eased my day!
It no longer stinks of vile;
For all is fine, nay, even divine!
The medicine was there the while!

"I'd rather be the humblest slave
('Tis true, from what I've seen)
Than love and wed, and rise in bed
With that, most horrible Queen."

I'm not random, I'm just weird. And in serious need of large doses of Valium. That's it for today. Just a random, useless poem. Enjoy it.

I prolly won't post tomorrow - Thursdays are weird. Have a good evening! Don't do anything rash...or get a rash, for that matter. If you DO get a rash, don't scratch it. Wipe cream cheese on it. I don't know why.

- Josh Marshall, 11:54 a.m.

"YOUR QUOTE HERE."

- -Your Name Here

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Monday, April 28, 2003

Another day, another dollar. Or, another $5.50/hour, depending on what job I'm at.

Which I am at right now. I am working on replacing Indiana Jones' head on the 'Last Crusade' poster with the head of a professor, and also doing a few other things. It's amazing what people will pay you to do. Hehe. Actually, I enjoy it a lot. It's fun, it relieves stress, and how many people get to digitally edit Harrison Ford's mug? That's what I thought. :) If you want to see it, it's in the Artwork and Poetry section.

I don't know why I continue to post. I don't think that this is a wide-spread publication. I don't think this is even a semi-spread publication. It's a handout, I think. :) If you are wondering, that is a hint to PLEASE TAG! I admit it! I have a low self-esteem! I need to know that my internet voice doesn't have strep-throat! Okay, stupid joke. But that's what you came here for, right? Not for advice on life.

Here's some advice on life. Don't ever, EVER clip your toenails near a milkshake you just made. Texture is only desired in hamburgers, artwork, and occasionally wallpaper, but only if it accentuates the dresser and the otamon. Is that how its spelled? I think I should name my kid Otamon. That is, if I want to put him back together each day.

I saw "It Runs In the Family" on Saturday. I liked the film, and Ebert, if you didn't, you can kiss my gluteus maximus. Ropert, or Rupert, or whatever your posh little name is, if you didn't like it, NO ONE CARES. You have no film taste, and you're on there only because Ebert needs a contrast so we know at least he DOES know more than some people.

Don't get me wrong, I usually agree with Ebert when it comes to dramas and similar movies. But he doesn't seem to understand comedies - and you can understand, cause when you watch him on the show, his jokes are pretty lame. Now Rope-it, he doesn't understand the concept of a swivel chair, much less a decent film. He probably can't SPELL film. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate Ropert. I LOATHE him. How a guy who couldn't critique a Teletubbie episode became a professional film critic on national television is beyond me. But, there's a lot that's beyond him (like the alphabet), so I guess that's okay.

Okay, well, I think I'll call it a post. Since that's what it is. Right. So, hey, you're a post. Thanks for reading, and please, wipe your fingers before you leave. I hate it when people leave Pop-Tart filling on my close button.

- Josh Marshall, 02:55 p.m.

"The only person dumber than an idiot is the guy who gets his jokes."

- Josh Marshall

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Friday, April 25, 2003

Hehe - I changed the layout.

I bet you can't tell, can you? And no, I didn't change to pastel cause I'm "coming out." Anyhow, I originally had a pastel yellow as the secondary color instead of the lighter blue, but apparently, several people didn't like the change. Yes, I know, I defer far to much to public opinion. But you know, as they say, if don't have major insecurities about your work, what do you have? Or perhaps that's not what they say, but those are the phrases I come up with when I'm huddling in a corner thinking self-depracated thoughts. I'm just kidding - I don't do that. I huddle in dark alleys.

So, about this new layout - first of all, all the older entries have been archived. To get to them, click here. Not here. Also, I know its REALLY HARD TO FIGURE OUT WHERE THE TAGBOARD IS, but I am confident you people will still be able to FIGURE IT OUT AND TAG MY JOURNAL. Please? I just ranted on about how I have no self-worth...the LEAST you could do is tag me with a confirmation. The MOST you could do is write a nice poem about how I'm NOT a weird person, I'm just unique, and how the flowers in springtime are metaphorically representing the random sexual encounters of Emily Dickenson's childhood....Well, just tell me I'm a good person. :) ACtually, that's not the MOST you could do - the MOST you could do would be to send me a new car with a really big note that says "To a Really Nice Person." Hehe. If I walk out and find a brand new Audi TT, I swear, I will devote a whole paragraph on this blog to you. Hehe.

Actually, I love my car. That's why I use it as a metaphor for life...because life's great, and my car's great...and my car has removable T-tops, and life has...removable...t-....nevermind. Oh, well, what do you expect, it's an ANALOGY. It's not perfect - if it were perfect, it wouldn't be an analogy, it would be the actual thing itself. Hehe. I notice I just said 'Life's great.' (Proving that yes, I DO read over these entries before I post - that's why each one has impeccably grammar and speling.) I say "Life's great" now, tomorrow I may say "Life grates." Hehe. Clever clever, aren't we? That's why I get the special BIG pills when I go to the doctor. Or is that because my sanity is on a perpetual vacation? I hope its having fun - I haven't gotten a card in months.

Thought: Why Blue Cheese? And why do they spell it Blu? Who woke up and said, "Gee, Bob, I'd like to have to Blue Cheese on my bagel this morning..." and Bob says,"Okay Bill, here's a glass of old milk you left by the counter three months ago - pour in some blue food coloring, viola!" I just noticed the two main characters in my story are Bob and Bill, and they woke up together. This is a very PC* story, I suppose. Actually, I need one of them to be a minority for it to be PC. (* PC means politically correct, for those of you who have been refusing to leave your closet for the last three decades)

No, no, no! I'm NOT knocking minorities, I'm not a rascist, and PLEASE don't imply I am. That offends me. But am I REALLY the only one who laughs whenever you're watching a sitcom now you'll see a group of people and one person will be caucasian, one person will be african-american, one person will be asian, and one person will be hispanic? I mean, I have many friends of other cultural and racial descent - and when we go do things, we don't call each other up and say "Okay, who's going to be the white guy today?" It just strikes me as funny, that's all, I guess. I have a feeling I'll probably be deleting this paragraph later due to hate tags. *sigh* So, if you're reading this, that means one of three things - A.) You're one of the first people reading this blog. B.) You're one of the people who are about to hate tag. or C.) No one has hated this blog, and I have successfully explained how I felt without offending anyone. I hope dearly its C.

Poetry time, to get off of the 'walking the edge of a knife' topics. Speaking of which - I really don't get the walking the edge of the knife analogy. I mean, yes, if you lose balance a TEENSY bit, you fall, but aren't you getting cut up anyway? And think if you pull one of those Sk8tR tricks...and rack yourself. I think I'd rather fall.

POLITICaLLY CORRECT POEM

A person of no gender
Bought a brand new blender,
Blended my head until I was dead
Cause my entry wasn't tender.

Well, I enjoyed that. And it makes me feel better. Hehe. Seriously, if you thought my post was in poor taste, I apologize - it wasn't meant that way.

Thanks for reading! Next time, we'll have mashed potatoes with cholesterol-charged gravy!

- Josh Marshall, 12:52 p.m.

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

- Robin Williams

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Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Ahaha! I'm not dead yet!

The Return of the King! Or maybe a less illustrious title is required. I know you are all wondering where I have been - what has been happening to Josh, I know you all say. Well, I am still alive. I continue to breathe occasionally, and when I think about it, I eat and use the bathroom. Otherwise, I just use the bathroom. What's a good NEOJournal entry without some toilet humor? Haha. :)

My life is just as exciting, invigorating, and eventless as usual. I'm still in love (all you eligible ladies will just have to settle with a second-rate George Clooney) and I'm still writing useless poetry about the trees, the world, and those little pesky pieces of garlic that get caught in your teeth EVERY TIME YOU FRIGGIN EAT SPAGHETTI!! What is WITH those?! They make them JUST THE RIGHT SIZE to get caught between your canines. And who named them CANINES?! I don't want my teeth to be referenced with DOGS! I have to EAT with those things! ....anyway...

About this point, you people are saying "Why did we want him to come back again...?" My answer is that life is too serious! We spend all day looking at the gigantic details, and we miss small insignificant picture. Or, wait...do we spend...small...details...big...nevermind. Forget that I tried to be philosophical. I'll just end up hurting someone.

Speaking of Philosophy, aren't stupid people simply annoying? But they are gloriously necessary. I mean, if there weren't any stupid people...then would there be smart people? Okay, no more relativity either. The only thing that Einstein had to do with relatively is WEIRD. And speaking of - is relativity really relative? Relatively speaking, I mean. Isn't alliteration fun? Someone should say something superbly sagacious simply servicing single conSonants. Did I cheat at the end? I think not. Besides, that wasn't sagacious anyway.

I'm thinking of playing with my layout. And anyone who thinks that's a euphamism, you are sick, sick, vile and lewd individuals who should absolutely (and with no regard for your health) be flogged publicly with licorice sticks and then praised for your clever turn of words into a nasty meaning. You make a adolescent male proud. Now, get your mind out of the gutter and onto the sidewalk where reasonable people walk and keep their dirty thoughts to themselves and their online journals.

I'm tired of prancing around naked with my heart exposed. And anyone who thinks that's a metaphor...well, it could be, I suppose. A nice one, too, if I may say. Sounds like a cappaccino poem. There are far too many doubled letters in that word. Reminds me of Raisin Bran - two scoops of consonants.

Dark poetry time!

EUREKASPLAT

I think I’ve solved the human condition.
(You’ll see! It is quite a cute invention!)
It will bring us peace worldwide
If we promote mass suicide.

Tis brilliant, yes? I know you see –
As one of mental pedigree.
For how better is purification done
Unless it’s killing ev’ry one?

No wars – for none who’ve died can fight,
No crime – for who’d get up at night?
No death – it’d be much too passé.
(Since we are all dead, anyway.)

On second thought, let’s skip this plan –
For then all things are at the hand
When the world resounds in, “THUMP,”
To him who just pretends to jump.

Well, I have posted quite a bit today, haven't I? This should satisfy everyone - you too, Jim. Stop tagging, too. You're scaring away my readers.

(This blog has been brought to you today by a grant from "We Give Grants to Random Causes Inc." and by Viewers Like You. They AREN'T you, cause you are too cheap to send PBS money, aren't you? But they are like you - I'm sure they have eyes and noses and some appendages - so yes, these viewers are similar, but they aren't cheap little scrooges are they?!?)

The Black Abstract Fart

The real question, I suppose, is whether the fart means something else? Hm? Hm? Knaw on THAT!

If you think I should change the layout, type "Change the Layout!" in the Tagboard.
If you think I should change the picture, type "Change the Josh!" in the Tagboard.
If you think I shouldn't conform to popular opinion because I'm a beautiful person just the way I am, then go hug a grasshopper. Tell me about it in the Tagboard. Finally, if you read this, or have read ANY OF MY POSTS PLEEEEEAAAAASSSEEE TAG!! I WANNA HEAR FROM YOU!! I WANT TO KNOW MY VOICE IS HEARD! Thanks.

- Josh Marshall, 05:54 p.m.

"Don't knock bacteria - its the only culture some people will ever have."

- Either someone else or me - I can't remember.

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